#like I grew up surrounded by transphobes and homophobes and even if they treated me nicely. you could Tell they didnt see me as a man yknow

[mosspapi]

I keep being like. Genuinely (albeit pleasantly) surprised whenever I'm correctly gendered. Even though I've been misgendered Once in the last like 4+ years and there's a very high chance it wasn't actually a misgendering, it was me auditory processing it wrong. But I think the reason why is that like. I'm actually presenting as Myself now, not some stereotype of masculinity, and I'm Still being correctly gendered. And that's not something I ever like... considered would be possible? Like I never thought I'd be able to dress how I want to in the first place, much less Also be seen how I want to while dressing that way.

Yet here I am. Wearing my necklaces and bracelets and rings, fishnets and oversized tshirts and sweatshirts, black joggers with entirely too many zippers and chains on them, combat boots and purple floral cane, long hair and coloured eyebrows and old basketball shorts... and I'm still a man to everyone around me. There's not even a question about it, I'm just A Guy. It's nice.

[all-his-candy-necklaces]

my heart is heavy and has been heavy for some time now. long time. and not just because of my little brother's death -- but it definitely has much to do with it-- but also because i am, to some degree, adversely being affected by the anti-trans bills and laws and rhetoric and subsequent abusive language surrounding lgbtq+ and trans individuals.

and obviously it is intended to produce such an effect :/

and i feel bad for myself and subsequently feel bad, depressed, upset, sad, irritated, oppressed by the aforementioned thoughts, and also find myself feeling for those around me who are also part of the community and yet also face their own adversity. Especially given the volatile, flat out hateful and ignorant rhetoric and legislation that is being passed against LGBTQ+ people .

i met a trans person at work named mason and it just reminds me of the climate we are in . so many laws being passed against trans people. trans children. against children. and it carves me up inside when these grown people will openly be transphobic and homophobic and racist etc in front of kids . and they don't even care because no one wants to treat them like children . all these laws are hurting kids. trans kids. lgbtq+ kids . and it is things like that that just aggravated me, incense me, and shatter me. i know what its like to be a queer child trying to "grow up" in various spaces and environments where it just seems you're not welcomed. not invited . not wanted .

speaking personally, i "grew up" in a very unstable, volatile, unpredictable, violent, abusive house where my malignant narcissist of a father constantly screamed at us, insulted us, beat me, hit me, was homophobic towards me. many of his 'family members' were homophobic towards me and knew that my father abused me verbally, physically, emotionally. they all knew and partook in abusing a child because no one was going to say anything.

and so, before going into a tangent, i had a very abusive, traumatic, dreary , difficult childhood and then being a child and being queer is obviously not easy. and this is what i wanted to piece together : that being a child and having to rely on grown people whilst said grown people are openly hostile, abusive, homophobic, transphobic, bigoted towards you is an immense and damaging hurdle.

going to school, being bullied and tormented at school by others for your sexuality. people constantly asking if you're gay or a fag or like dick to purposefully intimidate you, bully you, torment you, and once again make you feel like you don't belong .

having to go back 'home' and being abused and screamed at by my father who was also homophobic . when did i ever just get to be a kid ? when did i ever just get to worry about........ nothing ? and that's the thing........ i was always worried . constantly on fight or flight mode. and people need to start acknowledging and realizing the trauma and purposefully crafted and insidious hurdles that we are throwing at mere children by passing these anti-lgbtq and anti-trans bills.

i know what it's like being that scared, depressed, suicidal , confused, lonely queer kid who sees these things that are happening around and to me --the open homophobia from people around you and society, the bullying, the hatred, the open discrimination and ignorance-- and wondering why i should even think life is worth living if the world seemingly doesn't want me here . i have been suicidal many times throughout my life and my adolescents and now and i am not in my thirties yet . why don't we take these things into consideration when making this bills and promulgating this discriminatory and harmful rhetoric? its not that they don't realize these things, its that they don't care .

and that nonchalance and indifference that you feel and get from people who don't care about you, who don't care about who you are, and only want you dead because you're queer is something that you come to see all too well .

these are children that are being harmed and who are dying because they're not getting access to gender affirming care, to therapy, to actually supporting and listening to them . if you listened you would know that no one is "forcing this" on anyone . its who they are . half of trans people will attempt suicide . half of them . remember that when you see children and see children's faces and know that these bills and transphobia and homophobia and hatred doesn't just affect grown people . oh no. these are children that are being killed on purpose . they love to say "this is what kids are being exposed to" when talking about paraphernalia that supports pride and anyone who isn't heteronormative . but why is the same not said about these bills and the openly anti-queer rhetoric that is being espoused ?

children aren't being harmed because of some t shirt with a pride flag on it . they're being harmed by society, the world at large, and supposed grown individuals .

i miss my little brother so much .his birthday is next week and i would say my heart would collapse but it just feels empty right now . i think about him , i wish he were with us, but he's not. and it is incredibly hard for my mother . i saw her yesterday and she looked distraught and depressed. and how could one not be ? i tell her don't stop yourself from feeling that way , because it is not a one and done thing, even if it is so fucking hard .

what really breaks me is knowing he was getting bullied at school for being neurodivergent . because he had learning disabilities and a low IQ, had asperger's, and had difficulties socializing, and was held back twice, those terrible teenagers were taunting him and mocking him and asking him why he was held back and if he was "dumb or something" . he told my sister that he "didn't know what to do anymore". and it wasn't just the bullying and the difficulties from aspergers, but also struggling with depression, struggling to continue "life" through a pandemic . being unsure of what their purpose was . i think just feeling all around unhappy and depressed. and i told my mother that he was depressed . depression kills. believe me, depression kills. i have been right there so many times in my own life . i have stood right there so many times in my own life at various intervals . no one has to tell me "i don't understand how someone so young could take their life" or how someone could take their life . you don't have to tell me because i have stood right there so many times.

wanting to die

wishing i was dead

thinking that things would be better if i was dead

and those were the same words that my little brother told me last year when he told me that sometimes he thought things would be better if he was dead . he told me he didn't know what his "purpose" in life was, he told me he was tired of going to doctor's appointments and seeing specialists for Asperger's and whatnot. he had been placed in a psychiatric hospital twice for self harm and depression . i remember seeing cuts on his arms because he was self harming . i know that things we're so difficult and probably made no sense . my mom told me about how they had to take him to the emergency room at night a couple of times because he was having an anxiety attack and started self harming. it breaks my heart to think that and to know this because i have struggled and faced so much strife in my few years, and to see my little brother go through it as well made me feel like a parent who couldn't protect their child . and i think that is what really makes me aches and feel so empty ; he was my little brother but he was also like my child . but....... i also know that it is simply not possible to protect your child or a child from everything . i also know that very well because i was that child that wasn't protected and was exposed to many difficult things early on .

i know what it's like to feel like i don't belong or like things would be better if i was dead or i wish the bullying and the abuse and the torment and hatred would stop .

it pains me to know that he felt that too and also felt different things that i have never experienced . the things he told me shattered me . but im glad he told me. im glad he confided in me because i always told him i loved him, and that we loved him . always .

the truth does hurt.

but we can't protect them from everything.

there is no doubt that we tried . my mom did everything, we did everything . and i told my mother "we did everything we could, and now there's nothing left for us to do. its out of our control now." we did everything we could. i dont doubt that. and now theres nothing left for us to do . i know that life is not fair, and that you can't protect someone from everything . but, like lana said, "sometimes life is hard and the road gets tough, i dont know why" . i know we always want answers , but sometimes there are more questions than answers .

i just wish i could do something to make my mom feel better but i also know she faces a pain that i know nothing about . i just hope that we can find something in this nothingness . i dont know what it is.....

i miss him so much . but i would never want someone to live a life that they don't enjoy or that they can't enjoy . that's not a life. that's not living. and i know all too well what it is like to live for others than to live for yourself . and that might as well be an existence, not a life.

i miss him so much . i love him so much . there are a plethora of feelings but no words . well, that's why the most profound things in life are inexpressible

i dont know . i dont what happens

but we never know

protect kids. protect queer kids. protect trans kids.

protect queer people

[academla]

ajsdf89jskl;jf

OH MY GOD FAM I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY I’M LITERALLY SHAKING OKAY SO WE ALL KNOW THE INFAMOUS SOCIOLOGY ISLAMOPHOBE

WELL HE WAS IN RARE FUCKING FORM TODAY

I’M TOO ANGRY EVERYONE NEEDS TO LISTEN TO ME RANT OR SCROLL PAST THIS LONG ASS POST BECAUSE THIS IS THE ANGRIEST I’VE BEEN IN A LONG TIME AND I NEED PEOPLE TO BE ANGRY WITH ME

I WANTED TO CALL UP A FRIEND AND SCREAM ABOUT IT BUT I ONLY HAVE YOU GUYS

LET’S GO OVER SOME OF THE ISLAMOPHOBE’S MAIN POINTS

I took mercy on you all and added a read more but I need someone to revel in my anger with

BLACK MEN ARE BASICALLY EQUALLY TREATED AS WHITE MEN (BECAUSE REMEMBER GUYS, RACISM DOESN’T EXIST, AND BLACK LIVES MATTER IS STUPID)

ANYBODY CAN GO FROM THE BOTTOM SOCIAL CLASS TO THE TOP AND ANYONE CAN BE A CEO AND IF THEY DON’T, THAT’S THEIR FAULT

HE SCOFFED. EVERY SINGLE TIME. WE MENTIONED. SOCIAL INEQUALITY

HE’S INDIAN, AND HE SAID THAT BECAUSE OF SOCIAL CASTES IF HIS MAID TOUCHES HIM OR ANYTHING, HE GOES AND SHOWERS BECAUSE SHE’S IN A LOWER CASTE. I ALMOST THREW UP

HE CLAIMED THERE IS NO DISCRIMINATION AGAINST LGBTQ COMMUNITY AND THAT THEIR SOCIAL POSITIONS HAVE IMPROVED (TO WHICH I LOUDLY SAID THAT THERE HAS BEEN NEGLIGIBLE CHANGE OTHER THAN LEGISLATIVE AND JUST BC THEY CAN MARRY DOES NOT MEAN THEY’VE MOVED UP IN SOCIETY, AND THANKFULLY MY PROF BACKED ME UP)

THE REAL CHERRY ON TOP OF THE SUNDAE WAS WHEN THE TEACHER SAID HE THOUGHT PEOPLE WHO WORK SHOULD BE ABLE TO REPORT THE AMOUNT OF MONEY THEY SPEND ON GAS ON TAXES

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THIS FUCKING KID SAID

YOU KNOW WHAT HE FUCKING SAID

HE SAID “WELL THE GOVERNMENT ISN’T TELLING YOU TO BUY A CAR”

“YOU CAN JUST WALK”

"I WALK TO WORK, I WORK A STREET DOWN FROM MY HOUSE”

SO I WHIPPED AROUND AND I WAS LIKE “DO YOU REALIZE THAT NOT EVERYBODY WORKS THAT CLOSE TO THEIR JOB?????”

“YEAH BUT I’M JUST SAYING”

THE GOVERNMENT ISN’T TELLING YOU TO BUY A CAR

IT’S YOUR OWN CHOICE TO SPEND MONEY ON GAS

IT’S YOUR OWN CHOICE IF YOU’RE AT THE BOTTOM AND YOU’RE TOO LAZY TO CLIMB YOUR WAY TO THE TOP

THIS KID IS......I DON’T HAVE THE WORDS

I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE THE ANGER THAT I FEEL LIKE LITERALLY. I HAVE NEVER BEEN VIOLENT BUT I LEGITIMATELY WANT TO PUNCH HIM. IT TOOK EVERYTHING IN ME NOT TO TURN AROUND AND TELL HIM TO SHUT THE FUCK UP EVERY TIME HE SCOFFED I’M

Like okay, some people might be apologists and be like “he can’t help it if that’s the culture he grew up in” but no. He can help it. He’s literally delusional and living in his own world if he denies that racism exists in any form whatsoever. And he’s living in Massachusetts, surrounded by people with their heads actually screwed on right, and you have to live in a fucking vacuum to genuinely believe that black people are treated the same as white people (oh also ofc he claims all Muslims are terrorists but like that’s a whole other conversation)

So we were supposed to start a sociology club today, and the fucking islamophobe is attending, and I went up to my prof and said “I can’t come to the club today”

“Oh?”

“Because I don’t want to sit there and listen to someone spew classist, racist, sexist, xenophobic, islamophobic, probably homophobic and transphobic BULLSHIT” I was actually so angry lmao and some person behind me was cracking jokes about the “drama” and how people need to “chill” and I was just like hahahahahah fuck you

So my prof was like, “Well but that’s the good thing about the club, we get to discuss those issues”

And I was like HSS*G(PJSD:FKL “Look he is so fundamentally wrong like this isn’t an issue of someone who has a few bigoted views who would be open to discussing them, he literally thinks he is completely right and he’s so entirely BLATANTLY wrong on so many things and his opinion isn’t going to change and I personally am not going to put myself through listening to that, and I also don’t want to cause problems which I guarantee I would cause if I came to that club” (it would honestly be a matter of time before I told him to shut the fuck up)

Then this kid caught up with me to ask for my number so I can send him notes and I went on a rant about the islamophobe to him and he was like “...” and then I remembered he lowkey agreed with the islamophobe during class (just about the whole “anyone can go from the bottom to the top”) and I was so ready to give him the wrong number except I’d already added it by then

[recoveringfromabuse]

A thought on the current reality from an european

I inow what you’re about to say. I am an european. I am not an american. I am not facing the consequences that americans, real americans who care for each other regardless of gender, sexuality, race, religion, etc are suffering through, i am not in fear of going out and being assaulted by white supremacists, nazis, homophobics, transphobics, mysogynists, racists, sexists.

But here’s the thing:

I am a human being.

And such matters ouch me to the heart because like many of those worldwide, I grew up watching american media, in the form of cartoons, series, films, and many other platforms. Such was the daily meal of our televisions, computers and even radios , be it at home, in theathres, in the car going to school or work, it’s everywhere.

I grew up with the amazing idea of equality. of people being treated regardless of race, gender or even religion, or sexuality being treated fairly. At first, i was a child, i was new to the world, i was curious, i was growing and watchful of mh surroundings. and like many i watched their media, and happily enough many of my beliefs today weren’t even implanted by relatives. Of course, my grandma played a big part in teaching me to be humble, modest and kind to others, to understand and accept others differences, but at first a child hears this from an adult’s mouth and thinks:

Why? why do i have to do that? what would i gain from it? why is it necessary?

it is not for even personal gain. it’s but a mere child’s speech: why? why are things the way they are?

And then i watched many movies from disney, from pixar, and as i grew up i realized. difference i good , difference is great because i saw so many different things: skin, the speech, culture , customs. ideas.

I realized, difference is good because we’re different and variety is fun because we learn diffrerent things from different people. we experience fascinating and marvellous adventure we would never thought would exist perhaps. and they learn with us.

To see America, a country that supposedly taught me and many children these values turn the table upside down on my dreams, on my hopes. Because i had hope that america was a n accepting country. America has so much diversity, i thought, it’s normal for them and that’s what marvellous about it. It’s so rich because they are varied in population. Because they accept differences and embrace it with love and care. with fascination . with curiosity.

I was upset to see the new this week and the weeks  before. and I’m happy to see people protest , people who care about other human beings. people are kind.

It only saddens me though that there are monsters among them. And they don’t deserve it.